Notes as a Bystander
People watching, or people watching you
Being “awake” is an odd experience when you’re in town and surrounded by people, most of whom are going about their business, or having a bit of fun, or maybe even a skirmish. Whatever the reason for being out, one thing I can be sure of is that most of them are still behaving from a place of unconsciousness. Not that I’m some guru who’s learnt all there is to know and reached enlightenment, oh no, far from it. But what I have achieved is knowing that there’s more to life than working hard, raising a family and letting your hair down in your free time - as important as those things may be. I become a witness to the things going on, because I’m neither part of their community, nor am I completely detached from it like a hermit. One foot is in and one foot is out of the normal world, plus I want to make a note of the strange goings on lately.
After a while you just come to notice that most people are playing out their unconscious habits, their conditioning, just the way they were raised to live life. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if people are happy. Let them get on with things freely and happily. As they say, ignorance is bliss, as knowing the depth of corruption and metaphysics and everything in between is no easy burden. But in all honesty, a lot aren’t truly happy. Behind closed doors, or sometimes in broad daylight, is a crisis of mental health, destructive habits, poverty, oppression. And the saddest part of all is they don’t even know why, or know how to help themselves. You may try to show a better way, knowledge, solutions and fair enough, some people will take it on board and thank you for it. Others, however, would look at you as if you’d sprouted a second head. So as a general rule, I keep my opinions to myself. I’m not overly into conflict, if it can be helped. Not unless you’re a genuine ass and deserve it.
I sometimes try to figure out the psychology of your average person, because for whatever reason I was not born with it, or ever had it. Why do others have so little excess energy? Why are they embarrassed to stand out? Why are they not curious or questioning? Those are just some of the differences that seem to stick out. And then why are they so quick to judge anyone who dares go against their worldview? It doesn’t make much sense. This may not be the best example, but I very much enjoy wild water swimming. Summer more often, because it stops you melting, but even in Winter the cold shock is one of the most enjoyable sensations on Earth - unless you’re new to it in which case you will probably scream. The amount of times strangers have seen me without clothes is starting to add up, which is in a way frustrating. Why are we made to feel ashamed of our own bodies? If there wasn’t such a taboo around nudity then it would reduce a lot of stress when reconnecting with nature - ie, just allowing yourself to drop into relaxation rather than worrying who might see you. Same goes to venting your emotions in a colourful way. Every one of us experiences sadness, happiness, anger, the whole spectrum, and of course it is fine to express these in public. You might laugh, you might snap at someone. Crying is also ‘allowed’ to a degree, although some might have been programmed to feel ashamed to cry in front of anyone else. But these are only mild expressions of emotions. As soon as you reach a point when the feeling is too intense to contain with just a little outburst, for some reason that is seen as odd, crazy, or at worst, psychotic or dangerous. For example, being so excited about something, a giggle is no longer sufficient. You want to jump, dance, sing out loud or somersault off the fence. Then bloody do it. What right has anyone else to call you childish, insane, stick on some label or diagnosis? Happiness is as important to express as anything else we have.
For some reason anger has a bad name too. You start shouting too much, and people will call you a public nuisance. Or should it go further, to physical violence, this already becomes a matter that police can get involved with. Most of the time, violence can be avoided when the parties involved learn how to disagree maturely or compromise, it takes wisdom an responsibility to sort things out fairly. However, there are situations in life where it’s not so simple as just stopping in your tracks and having a discussion. Humans are as much animals as stags who rut over females, as wolves who defend their cubs and their territory. To deny anybody the right to fight for their side is taking away an important part of our essence. Take it away enough times and you are left with the weak and spineless society we have today. The aggression that builds up from being pushed past reasonable limits is a healthy expression of justice. It is not meant to sit and fester away inside us, to turn into disease later down the line, nor should the current law force it to be. What the suppression of rightful anger has done is forced it down some twisted outlets, often behind closed doors, like people who abuse their own family, bosses who bully their employees or it vents out online, trolling, horror movies, shooting games. Or those who drink themselves into an early grave for the sake of temporary relief, anything but actually deal with the feelings in a healthy way. Do you want to know what my favourite anger management is? It’s really not hard. Go to a field. Scream. Hit the floor, hit things with a stick. Dance or sprint. I mean, there is no denying it: there are pricks everywhere, from every walk of life and every part of the world. However, if we returned to a culture where sparring was a done thing, I do believe we’d have less sicko’s stabbing innocents with a knife and more honour resolving conflicts with a fair fight. A wise man might take up boxing.
But hey, what am I talking about? Encouraging people to skinny dip and talk to themselves when they’re confused or sing in public. Go back to the ward, you nutcase!
In all fairness, I’ve gotten better at letting people’s judgement slide off me like water from a duck’s back. Yet there are still lines I won’t cross. Some of my friends will shout to any random person on the street “did you take the C**d vaccine?” regardless of what hate might get spouted their way. They will be very vocal about there only being two sexes. I love the brazenness of it, and wish I wasn’t so nervous or embarrassed to do the same. But then it’s a process, and on the flip side, I didn’t seem to care that thousands of people felt triggered by a video in which I was eating raw meat, including someone who actually went to my school. In fact it felt weirdly good that this stirred a reaction in so many people, aside from the supporters, they felt such a need to react with rude, stupid or even a racist comment. Although one wonders if any of them will actually consider that primal eating is a legit thing. Especially someone judging my health when they drink alcohol and their skin can’t breath under the make up… Ok, we can admit I will give backchat to those who are asking for it.
It’s ok being an outlier, I guess. Maybe whatever you think is the opposite to whatever the rest of the world deems normal (that would probably be because too many that are good for you are frowned upon, and anything that’s the opposite of natural is encouraged. Right…) Maybe your brain just always functioned differently right from the beginning. Don’t know much about the facts of this, but I think it’s sick to take every person who thinks differently and label them as autistic, ADHD, etc… You are you. The person is next door is the person next door. You have this opinion, they have that opinion. That does not mean one of you is disabled. It does not mean your mind is inferior to someone’s who doesn’t deviate from the norm. These are natural differences and as long as your body is in one piece and your thoughts are sound, I don’t see any trace of disability. The only thing that can make us go crazy, however, is being forced to live in a society where our true needs are not met, where others cannot understand where we are coming from or communicate with us on a deeper level. As individuals, we need to be heard, even if it’s just a few close ones. School does exactly the same: only catering for the standard pupil. It won’t help the struggling ones just as much as it won’t help the genius. Fit in the box, or else. Well, supposing I don’t match your box? Supposing I never wanted your stupid box in the first place? What then?
I came up with an idea of making an artwork. Yourself as different versions. “Who would you have grown up as if…?” There are so many factors to consider, the outcomes are endless. This is just how I see mine, but I get yours would be completely your own. Do we not all have weird and wonderful stories? If my mother won in court and didn’t let me see my dad. If I’d succeeded as a figure skater. If I’d gone to the climate change protest instead of the anti-lockdown one. If I’d gone to a mixed school not an all-girls one… It’s fascinating, and yet it’s also scary to think. I might have stayed with the group who once met up every Saturday to play Dungeons & Dragons, allow their worldviews to mix with my own, and become Antifa, the very people who practically wish our deaths now. I might have been sculpted by my mum and grandmother into an obedient daughter, who shaved her armpits without question, who’d go to uni to study a fake science and later marry to an equally unconscious man. To have a very ordinary life where nothing magic ever happens, or perhaps worse, the unconscious relationships could lead to abuse and continuation of the trauma. Or I could have quit being an individual and become part of the it-crowd, and live through the dramas that every other young girl goes through growing up instead of the dramas that happen to a teenage Wiccan, someone who read about modern zen instead of being invited out, someone who once dedicated everything to their sport and tried to build love with a man who was organizing the London 2020-22 marches… When put in words, it really does seem surreal. Did all of those things really happen? Is that really my life? There doesn’t seem to be much ordinary about it. Then at the same time, you come to realize it couldn’t have been any other way. Quit being an individual? Are you kidding me? That might be a fantasy or look cool on a piece of art, but that was never going to happen. If your personality was designed to be different, then no amount of pretending to fit in is going to change who you are in yourself, or how others perceive you. For everyone’s benefit, most of all your own, better just embrace the fact not try to hide it. God, the universe, name it as you will, it had plans for us lot, so there’s no hope of being let off for an easy ride. Don’t even think to whinge about it. So as much as imagining an emo Nika or a botox Nika or a fat constantly ill Nika (insert your own equivalent) or some other kind of atrocity, it might send shivers down your spine, but rest assured those were not the outcomes, so everything that’s happened on this timeline has done so for a reason. And you can go to sleep at night knowing that even if you’ve missed some good opportunities, it’s not the end yet, as being alive is a pretty good indication.
Did any of that make sense? Am I rambling on or using too many big words that authors show off with? Has too much personal information been shared? It’s too late now, the publish button has already been hit—